My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
