quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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