Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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