the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
