walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
