A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
