Kareoke will never be a sober sport
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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