I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
