I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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