he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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