Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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