Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
