Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I didn't notice because vodka
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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