There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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