YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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