Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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