You just made me feel so damn special
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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