I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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