Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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