I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
