I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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