She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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