I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
