the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
