I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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