My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
