2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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