I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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