Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
