Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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