Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
