Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
