I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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