My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
