I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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