I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
