My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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