We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
