I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
