I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
