Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
