i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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