i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
