Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
