You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
