Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
