I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
