I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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