you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
