you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
