I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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