it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
